So when I was asked to do the 10th Hour talk, I was immediately intimidated by the idea of it. What did I have to offer? How could I compare to the people who were going to talk that had 10 more years of God experience than I did or those with PHD's or had gone to seminary? Who was I compared to that?
and in the moment after those thoughts, I heard God say, you are mine. You have my story and what I have done in your life. No one else has experienced me exactly the way that you have -share that.
So here I am.
But those thoughts that God gave me led me to think about the fact that none of us, if we were completely alone with God for our entire lifetime, could ever come close to getting to know God. This is because our personalities only allow God to reveal certain things to us. However, when we dwell in community, we learn about God through what He is doing in the lives of other people around us. In that way, it is through community that we can learn about God fully.
So I think about the Lord's Supper. I think about taking communion with God and what it would have been like to be a disciple who actually walked with Jesus. What it would have been like to see Him do miracles and still not get the full picture of who God was.
I think about Peter. Oh Peter. He's my favorite. I learn so much about God through him because our personalities are completely opposite. He is always so ready to follow after God -even if he doesn't follow through. He's energetic and mostly he isn't afraid to fail.
And I love to watch how God treats him when he does because I often don't do anything unless I'm sure I can succeed in it. I'm generally afraid to step out of my comfort zone and try something new when I'm not sure how others will take it. So watching Peter in the Bible is refreshing to me.
But I think about what Peter was thinking when Jesus died and he felt like everything was over. Where did his faith go during that time? What doubts were going through his mind? (what doubts are going through my mind about what God has told me?)
Then I think about the transformation that happened when Jesus did rise from the grave and sought out Peter. I think about the change that Jesus resurrection had on the disciples lives. Peter, was able, through the Spirit, to do things that he never thought he could do, and he was able to follow Jesus to places he never had the strength to do before.
The spirit transformed Peter and transformed his ministry.
And that's what God did for me.
When I was younger, I was not good at community. I have never let people in and I've had a hard time trusting them. I became depressed when I was a freshman in high school because I didn't trust that the feelings people shared with me were real. I thought people loved me because they had to, because society said they should, rather than real feelings.
It even goes further back than that. I got saved around the time that I was five. I was at AWANA and my Pastor asked anyone who wanted to get saved to come forward. In my little heart I said no, I did not want to do it in front of people. When I got home that night I tried to ask God into my heart and I cried because I didn't feel any different. Then my sister came into the room and saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I told her "Jesus doesn't want me. I asked Him to come into my heart and He said no." (paraphrased...because...it was a long time ago) and we went through the Roman's road together and I got saved.
This shows three things: 1. Little kids can really believe it God. Note I didn't say that God didn't exist, but that He didn't want me. 2. Shows how broken I was at a young age (it ran deep). 3. God wanted me to be saved in community -showed His promise to me for the future (one of those hindsight things)
And this is something that I've tried to work on my whole life. But God didn't want to yet. He didn't start transforming my ability to do community until I was a junior in College. Until I already knew what my calling was in life and I knew I was not going to be able to do it without Him. Until I knew that my transformation in community was not going to happen outside of His strength is when He said we'd work on it.
He gave me three prayer drawings from the span of April 2013 to August 2013 that shows the journey that I went on. The first one is God's hands holding water over a little plant. This represents my walk with community. The dry ground represents the dryness of my community and how it was barren and couldn't produce anything. The plant was the sprout of my community, and the water was my tears.
You see, God has been holding my tears about community since the first teardrop fell. He has been collecting them, waiting for the right time in life. My ground was so dry that each tear would have been sucked up by the ground too fast for any growth to happen. So God held them and collected them and slowly let my tears drip to the ground in the correct timing necessary in order to create growth. His "lack of doing anything" was really making sure that I would have long term growth.
The next prayer journal that I am going to show was the one of my insecurities. In the picture, all the brokenness in on the outside, but the strength is on the inside (with my relationship with God). God had me draw lilies and sparrows in the eyes to signify that He was watching over me and was going to take care of me like He takes care of the Lilies and the Sparrows. It was His promise to me.
The last prayer drawing is where I'm at now and what God has done in my life. He has made me into a lily. The little sprout that He was carefully tending has now sprung up into a lily. A flower that resides by water (not dry ground). That's how much He has changed me and taken care of me.
He also had me put the words "He makes beautiful things out of us". This is the truth in itself, but it also relates back to Gungor's song Beautiful Things. In the song the lyrics are:
"All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth, could all that is lost ever be found.
Could a garden come up from this ground at all."
....
"All around, Hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos life is being found, in You. "
...
"You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us. "
I feel like this song was written for me and what God is doing in my life. He has healed me and this last school year has been amazing. I am a part of a new social club and I'm mentoring and getting to know a lot of new girls.
God is doing NEW things. God is making ME new! God has made me NEW!
All the community things that I am able accomplish today and in the future is because of God. I am literally nothing without Him. He is the reason that I thrive today. I am made new because of the resurrection power of God.
The same Spirit that was in Jesus when He rose from the grave is the same Spirit that is in me. And friends, it's the same spirit that's in YOU. The HEALING that God has done in MY life is available in YOURS. God IS holding your tears and He's creating growth. He's creating you into something new! He's doing it in HIS timing. HIS goodness. HIS glory through YOUR life.
Don't give up. Don't think God isn't doing anything. He's in the process of making all things new -making YOU new.
Trust Him. Trust the process. Trust Him when you can't see what He's doing.
Trust the supernatural when you can't see Him working in the natural.
Trust me, He's doing great things in your life is you surrender to His timing and His process.
Love you,
Kate Nowak
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