When the semester started I really felt like God was saying: this semester is you and Me. Growth time.
And it has been. It is currently midterm week of my Junior year and looking back on it I've grown SO much internally.
- I have learned to embrace friendships and actually be a part of them instead of having one sided relationships. (for anyone who knows me now, I'm really good at letting people talk to me about their problems and I'll give advice, but before this semester, I would never put forth MY problems. Yea, I would say things that related to them, but never what I was struggling with now.
- I currently have my very first VP. This stands for vulnerability partner. Right around Valentine's Day I asked one of my best friends to be my vulnerability partner and be my guinea pig as I learn how to share and open up about myself. This has proved to be one of the best things in my life because I've noticed that as I share with her, it becomes easier to share with others.
- I am learning to fight for relationships and healing. I'm struggling to hold on to a friendship right now and struggling to be a part of this relationship for a different reason than the others. And I'm finding it hard to hold on to the friendship that God wants us to have because of the pain that we've encountered over the summer. And I'm struggling to learn to give up that pain and to trust someone who's bruised my trust (with the right motives). So that's some growth in progress.
- I've learned that trust is a choice. I was praying about a relationship I'm developing with one of my I guess you'd say mentor? and I was struggling about being involved and how I felt about it and whether or not it was safe and as I was praying I heard God say, "Do you trust her?" and my response was I could. He didn't like that answer and He replied, "Trust is a choice- do you trust her?" and in that moment, I made a huge decision for me. I decided, yes, I'm all in. She already means too much for me to lose the small bit that we have, so yes, I trust her. And in that moment I just felt such peace and happiness that only comes from when I KNOW I'm following God and His path.
- One of the other things that has happened this semester is a trip to the past. I had a meeting with my old Sunday night youth group leader about hearing God's word and how you know it's from God. Spirit talk if you will. And as we sat there and talked for three hours about our lives and experiences we've had with the ways God has talked to us, it made us both realize how far I'd come. I used to meet at her house Wednesday mornings and chat with some girls from youth group....well I didn't do much talking. I wasn't able to open up and really be involved, and these three hours really showed how far I'd come.
- The other thing that I did was branch out into more friendships. I asked people that I kinda wanted to be friends with, but didn't know if they wanted to be friends with me. If you're a girl or an introvert, or anything like me at all, you know the feelings I mean...the awkward insecurity. And I really mean awkward because when I don't know where I stand in a relationship, I'm very awkward. BUT I did it! and we had a marvelous time -get this- talking about introversion and how it makes things awkward and we bonded over our mutual introversion. And hey, I know some people question how two introverts can be friends, but hopefully we'll make it work, and even if it doesn't, I'm rejoicing in this accomplishment.
And this is just the beginning. I know I have more to grow and stuff to learn -including wisdom- but I wanted to share with you these inner parts of me, so that way when I get where I am going, it will be a reminder to me and knowledge to you of the awkward, introvert with intimacy and trust issues that I started out as and a testimony to God of the person that I will become.
Blessings,
Kate
