Satan's deceptions and self encouragement

I have been thinking and I want you guys to know that not everything was easy in following God's voice and I don't always get it right all of the time. I have told a few people things that I thought I was hearing from God only to find out that it had been something that I had come up with, and some of the things seem really silly now that I think of it.

But what doesn't seem silly is the things that God wants Robert and I to do in the future...and this is something that I have battled with for a long time because honestly it seems to big for us...and something that I don't think I deserve to be chosen for....so naturally I question that I'm hearing God right and whether or not it's from Him.

However, this has led to an opening for Satan and I want to share with you some of the flawed logic that Satan can use to deceive us...and some of the logic he has tried on me.

The first one I'll share is when I was thinking about going to Mexico on a missions trip. I was doubting whether or not God wanted me to go and the pastor of the church I was visiting was talking about how not everyone is called to Missions....but he ended with this word [paraphrased]..."but if you think that you're being called into Missions follow it. God will stop you if he doesn't want you to go, but if you're only stopping because of doubt - know that doubt isn't from God, but from Satan. Satan wants you to doubt what God has told you, so you won't go. God doesn't need to get you to doubt because He will just tell you no if it's not where He wants you to go."

 I don't know if I'm conveying this well enough, but basically doubt is the uncertainty of the truth...or to be afraid of doing the wrong thing...but God's perfect love drives out fear...and God is the truth. It's only Satan who would be trying to bring about the uncertainty of who God is.

So I'm trying not to doubt so much that this huge dream that God has given Robert and I is really from God...and just embrace it......which is really hard because I barely know the beginning of it yet.

The second flawed logic that I experienced from Satan was the dual lies that he has thrown at me...these are the kinda of lies that don't stand up to each other when you share them outloud...the ones that have a tendency of making you feel silly when you share them....

But my biggest worry is that I'm hearing my voice and not God's....so Satan decided to slip the phrase "schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur" into my mind...which in laymen's terms means that I hear voices & imagine myself as greater than I am.

However,

One of the other things I battle with is not feeling like I'm good enough for this dream...

So you tell me how I'm supposed to have delusions of grandeur when I can't even recognize why God would have called me to this- when I don't feel like I'm good enough?

This is an example of Satan's sneaky deceptions.

And another logical reason why I can be positive that this is from God:

I have been trying to throw this dream away because it has me constantly feeling like I'm not good enough -because there's so much growth that needs to happen before I'm capable of fulfilling it...and because I don't know if I'll ever be good enough to fulfill it...so I try to convince myself that it's from me because then I have the control to throw it away.

But I can't let go of it....for the last 6 months. I think if this was from me I would have easily been able to let go of this and walk away.

But God didn't let Moses walk away and hide out forever after he had killed the Egyptian...he could run and hide, but when it came time for his destiny to be fulfilled -God brought him back to where he needed to be to deliver the Israelites...

...and that's what I'm finding to be the case for this dream. God's not letting me walk away from it, but it His timing, He will use me as a vessel to do things I never imagined I would be capable of -because it will be God's power through me.

And that will be worth everything.

That's all for now friends,
Kate

Breaking off the chains of Intimidation 6-6-13

Last night was the night of The Gathering here in Rochester Hills, MI. It's a place where young teens gather at Oakland Christian Church and it's a place where real change happened in my life. To start with I went to a communication group led by Amy Basel and the spirit was using the words that He had given her to speak to three different aspects of my life including my calling, a mentor, and a specific word that he had given to me for Tuesday.

At the end of the message I felt like God was saying that I needed to hug Amy. And I also felt like He was saying to me that I should share my calling in front of people. Both of those things happened later.

It was at the end of the gathering message and worship that I went up and talked to Amy with one of my friends that I grew up with. We greeted with a hug, and I thought that I was just going to encourage her by telling her that her message had an impact in my life in three areas, but I walked away more blessed than I could ever have expected.

Amy asked me about the three areas that God had spoken about and the one was my calling and I told her what God had placed in Robert and my life...in front of Alyssa...confirming the message that God told me to share my calling in front of people...and perhaps one day it will be so in a larger group...who knows?...anyways we continued talking and Amy mentioned something about my lack of belief in my calling -not because I didn't believe that God was capable, but because I didn't believe that God would call me to something so great.

And that hit home because it was the truth.

And we talked a little bit about community and my fear of it...and she spoke another truth...that I was intimidated by people.

And so we prayed about it and we prayed that the chains of intimidation would fall off of me and in that moment I just felt a complete lightness in every aspect of my being. I felt full of the spirit and I felt brand new and as of today I am free of those chains and I see people in a new light.

Before I had put everyone on a kind of pedestal that had to do with my self-image issues and such, but as was spoken over me...it was all in my head.

And in this moment I'm a little afraid that I might revert back to those chains, but I'm choosing to trust God to help me stay in freedom because I have the power to walk without intimidation from man. I have the ability to stand in front of celebrities and people the world considers important and not feel unimportant in comparison because I am a child of God created in His image -with His spirit pouring through me and I have a great calling on my life- and I am free.

So I look forward to my new relationships with people and the social skills that God is going to cultivate in me and bestow upon me.

Because as was spoken over me...Satan attacks most where your greatest ministry lies.

And that, my friends, for me is community.

And so as I'm writing this to you now, I'm thinking back to one of my lasts posts about fearing community and all I can think about is how awesome the power of God is. I, in my own power, could not have gone from fear to conquering is so short of time. That is the power of God! He is able to do miracles in our lives where we feel like we are going to have to trudge on our own. But our lives are not our own battle, because all our obstacles have already been defeated by Jesus who goes before us and we just have to walk in obedience and faith and trust that those obstacles will not stand in our way because they have already been defeated.

Excited to be standing here in the victory of the spirit,
Kate

Moses and the Mount of [in]Security

In life we see people who have done great things and we assume that they are great people. That it was the people that make the deeds. However, this is not the case...I mean sure they are great people, but they themselves are not GREAT.

I found myself thinking when I was listening to a sermon about conquering insecurity and they were talking about how Moses is generally depicted as the 10 commandments guy or the parting of the Red Sea guy. And yes he was there for those things, but those identifiers belong to God.

The point of the sermon started with Moses' insecurities at the beginning of when God called him and how he needed Aaron's help to fulfill God's plans. But I'm not so sure that his insecurities ever went away.

I can picture Moses walking up Mount Sinai battling insecurities and doubts...you know the same ones that plague you when you have a new idea or are doing something new for God. But I think the thing that helped Moses through, or at least I'd like to think so because it's what has helped me through, is remembering the signs of the past. With Moses' insecurities, God never stopped giving him and the Israelites signs that this was God's will and that God was with him. I think when Moses was going up on the mountain he was thinking back to the burning bush, back to passover, back to the Red Sea, and then to his feasts on Manna...I think as Moses was trusting and being obedient to God, he was turning back to the signs and miracles in his times of insecurities.

And it's the same way with us today.

I think when we are feeling insecure about who God made or more specifically in my case -what He has called us to do. I think we need to keep trusting and obeying and reflect on the times that God has carried us through. The times that God has called us to obey and at the end of the day were a success. Those are our miracles that we can build our faith and security on.

So at the end of the day when you're feeling insecure...look down at your foundation because you better believe that when your foundation is the Lord -there's nothing more secure.

Prayer Drawing -Fear of community.

To me, this picture represents how I feel about community. I really don't know how to express the feelings that led to this picture, but the water droplet that is falling is a tear that comes down from my fear of opening up, to being vulnerable, and being an active part of community.

One of my strengths is the ability to help others open up and to be able to encourage them in what's going on in their life. One of my biggest weaknesses -allowing others to do the same for me.

When I think about doing that in my own life I always struggle with thinking about why the individual would care because it seems like a silly thing to tell them what's going on in my life. I always downsize how much it hurts me because I'm used to keeping things bottled inside. It may seem like I'm strong to keep things together, but it's a weakness in an inability to share what is going on inside of me.

However, I've found that as much as I want to keep things bottled up and hold on to them, I've found that what's in my heart still seems to leak out, just a little, but enough to give me hope that it's the right thing. In the times that I encourage others, and open myself up a little to encourage them, I find that I'm watering a little bit of the dry ground in my life.

So the dry ground represents the community in my life. The little sprout of life shows that it's not because the ground isn't fertile, but because I haven't watered it in my own life. I am trying to learn to water it with tears of happiness and tears of sadness. To let people into my life, into my insecurities, so they can lift me when I'm afraid or broken, and rejoice with me when there are blessings or accomplishments.

I'm learning -or hoping, that with the right community of love around me, I can learn how to open up and let other people help cultivate my life.

I hope that maybe my experience might give you the strength to do the same. Perhaps your issue isn't with community and opening up in general, maybe there's some small area that you're afraid to open up to others about, or opening up to God. You're holding on to your pain so tight that you're not allowing life to come out of your experience. Perhaps together we can learn to let go of our pain and just see what happens in our lives.

With the hope of having the strength to be "weak",
Kate

Prayer Drawing -Rocks of my faith

This was done during a period of silence from God. This picture is very symbolic as each thing represents the rocks of my faith that I hold on to when God doesn't seem as present as He normally does. The crosses obviously represent Christ as the rock of my salvation, and the mountain represents the upward battle of following Him. The pile of rocks represent the 12 stones that the Israelites took out of the Jordan River as reminders of the things that God had done for them. To me, this makes me remember the times that God has moved in my life -from the way that I met Robert, to my experience in the river, and the little things that God does throughout the week. And the gems on the ground represent the scriptures that give me comfort. I've always called the lesser known scriptures -the ones that aren't the overused "cliches"- the gems of the Bible. 

Throughout the time that I was working on this I really felt a connection to God even when I couldn't feel His presence or hear anything from Him. It's a reminder that when I don't understand the present and I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I can always lean on the past and know that God has been there for me and because He has I know He always will.

So I would urge you to think about what you set as the rocks of your faith. Try to reflect on it during your "mountain top" experiences when everything seems crystal clear and then write it down so you can remember it and encourage yourself when things don't seem to be going the way that you want them to. When you don't hear God and you don't know what He's doing...or when you're being attacked in your faith. 

Or even if you're not in a mountain top experience, try to think back to the things that God has done in your life, when He's made Himself known to you and try to remember the reactions that you had to that. Remember that God is the same today as He was then. He is the great I AM and if He's not blessing you, He's probably teaching you. 

Trust Him because above everything else, He's loving you.

Kate.

Public Speaking

So guys,

So I had 3 and a half presentations this week. And a miracle happened. During one of them I wasn't even nervous at all....well that was mainly because I wasn't actually presenting. I was doing the powerpoint for one of my friends. But it was the first time that I was actually in front of people and was completely at peace. This is a milestone for me my friends.

The other ones aren't really notable, except the fact that I did them. They were two psychology presentations at my school.

The last was one that I was super nervous about for all the semester and that was my private voice juries. This one is a major accomplishment for me...I'll be the first to admit that it wasn't the best. This was mainly because I was SO nervous that I shook and trilled the whole way through. However, I find this to be a huge accomplishment from the last time I sang in front of people...I was so nervous that I giggled the whole way through.

But I just wanted to share with you a bit of my journey, so that someday when hopefully i'm a proficient public speak ;) you'll know that it wasn't always the case...and you can do it too!

Insecurities and such

Hey guys,

Things are going pretty rough for me right now. I'm thinking about the future and what God wants me to do and I feel so inadequate. I keep trying not to think about it and just focus on the present, but I feel pretty inadequate there as well. Things aren't really peachy right now. I mean don't get me wrong, my life is far from where it has been, but we are all our own worst critics right?

I'm so scared about having to get up and do public speaking in front of people...and my life is going to be full of it. Big crowds. Little crowds. Hand mics...those ones that go around your ear... Some people are made for this kinda thing. I'm not. I'm more of a behind the scenes as far away from the spotlight as possible kinda girl. And for me to know that so many people are going to be watching me and listening to me in the future is really intimidating. Public speaking is a common fear, so I know there's plenty of you out there who are with me on this, but I just wish I wasn't afraid of 80% of my future career.

I feel like Moses when God told him His plan. Except, Moses got the option of Aaron....I don't get that luxury. So guys, I'm telling you, if I ever get good at public speaking it will be by the grace of God. It's going to be all Him because trust me, I can't do it.

As for the other stuff, soon that will be all over. Private voice is kicking my butt. I'm not meant to be a solo singer and I have to face juries in about 10 days...Juries is kinda a scary thing for people who are super good singers at my school and well...my vocal teacher said I'm not bad... :p Here's to hoping my G.P.A. doesn't drop over this "confidence booster".

And I'm going out on a limb and being all sorts of vulnerable (okay...not so much) with one of my teachers, doing meetings and stuff. And part of me thinks that she sees me as this psycho with these crazy dreams that I've worked up to get her attention (because I've told her a lot of what God has told me I'm going to do in the future). If that doesn't add an unknown element I don't know what does. So I'm always super nervous whenever we meet, and if there was ever something that makes me awkward -it would be nerves. So add the awkward to the vulnerability to the not knowing what she thinks of me to the fact that this is the first time I've opened up to someone about so much and I'm kinda an internal wreck.

Anyways, thanks for sticking with me through this blog post. I'm obviously not expecting a lot of encouragement because a lot of you will find this blog waaaaaaaay after the fact of many of these issues, but I just wanted to open up to you guys on a more vulnerable level and show you that God definitely qualifies the called and not the other way around because I do SO not feel qualified to be called to whats in store in the future.

Kate.