Insecurities and such

Hey guys,

Things are going pretty rough for me right now. I'm thinking about the future and what God wants me to do and I feel so inadequate. I keep trying not to think about it and just focus on the present, but I feel pretty inadequate there as well. Things aren't really peachy right now. I mean don't get me wrong, my life is far from where it has been, but we are all our own worst critics right?

I'm so scared about having to get up and do public speaking in front of people...and my life is going to be full of it. Big crowds. Little crowds. Hand mics...those ones that go around your ear... Some people are made for this kinda thing. I'm not. I'm more of a behind the scenes as far away from the spotlight as possible kinda girl. And for me to know that so many people are going to be watching me and listening to me in the future is really intimidating. Public speaking is a common fear, so I know there's plenty of you out there who are with me on this, but I just wish I wasn't afraid of 80% of my future career.

I feel like Moses when God told him His plan. Except, Moses got the option of Aaron....I don't get that luxury. So guys, I'm telling you, if I ever get good at public speaking it will be by the grace of God. It's going to be all Him because trust me, I can't do it.

As for the other stuff, soon that will be all over. Private voice is kicking my butt. I'm not meant to be a solo singer and I have to face juries in about 10 days...Juries is kinda a scary thing for people who are super good singers at my school and well...my vocal teacher said I'm not bad... :p Here's to hoping my G.P.A. doesn't drop over this "confidence booster".

And I'm going out on a limb and being all sorts of vulnerable (okay...not so much) with one of my teachers, doing meetings and stuff. And part of me thinks that she sees me as this psycho with these crazy dreams that I've worked up to get her attention (because I've told her a lot of what God has told me I'm going to do in the future). If that doesn't add an unknown element I don't know what does. So I'm always super nervous whenever we meet, and if there was ever something that makes me awkward -it would be nerves. So add the awkward to the vulnerability to the not knowing what she thinks of me to the fact that this is the first time I've opened up to someone about so much and I'm kinda an internal wreck.

Anyways, thanks for sticking with me through this blog post. I'm obviously not expecting a lot of encouragement because a lot of you will find this blog waaaaaaaay after the fact of many of these issues, but I just wanted to open up to you guys on a more vulnerable level and show you that God definitely qualifies the called and not the other way around because I do SO not feel qualified to be called to whats in store in the future.

Kate.