God's test

I've been learning lately, that sometimes God likes to test people -or maybe just me? Seems like it has been happening to me a lot. God will ask me to do something -that may or may not make any sense- and it will generally have no "fruit". I'm not talking about the physical fruit, but having God tell you to go somewhere to talk to a person and they don't show up -some people would immediately jump to me not hearing God correctly, but I know it to be a test.

This is because I just got over a really massive test that showed me where my heart is -and it's not pretty enough to be on the cover of a valentine, that's for sure.

You know the whole clothes situation I've been writing about? Well part of that was a big test. Nothing to it. Just God checking my obedience and teaching me a lesson about how I view God and where I stand with Him.

The whole dunking myself in the river and giving away my clothes, in my understanding, was more than a test -it was symbolic of the new person I am in my relationship with Christ. This I hold to be true, as even in the last 2 weeks, my fundamental personality and focus has changed in line with the ministry God has called me to.

However,

Part of the clothes situation was a test. You see God didn't want me buying clothes to fill up my wardrobe for a week, is what I heard during the situation and He would provide me clothes. One of my closest friends "had just happened to be" cleaning out her closet and was planning to give me clothes at the exact time I needed them (I don't believe in coincidence friends). So I had clothes, but you bet when the week was up, I bought some of the things I felt was necessity -shorts, shoes, and few more shirts.

Then came the rough test that God put me through. He told me that I needed to give away or plainly could not keep the clothes I had just bought. This one really frustrated me because God wasn't just taking away my clothes, He was taking away my right to provide for myself -after the point when I thought I could.

I wish I could say I dealt with it well. I wish I could say -"I'll trust you God, You know more than I", but that was not the case. I had a really bad screaming fit at God -a temper tantrum of sorts. There was some more stuff that led into this, but really the main one for me was not being able to feel God during the whole clothes thing -except to hear Him say to get rid of my clothes. No other time could I feel His presence and guidance in my life like I normally do -and looking back on it, I think that was His purpose.

After my screaming match, God gave Robert a verse number to have Him look up, and it was the one where God stopped Abraham from sacrificing His son because He was looking for Abraham's obedience (how he'd react), not the death of His son. It soon came to light through this that I could keep the clothes and God was testing my reactions- to teach me the state of my heart.

It took me a while to be able to deal with failure. I'm sure if I knew it was a test -I would have passed. I'm still not so sure it was a pass or fail thing -or if God would have dragged ont he situation until I cracked to see how long I'd make it? I don't know if I'll ever know.

I did learn two things out of the situation:

1. My view and style of clothes has changed. I no longer look at people's clothing as I pass them on the sidewalk in the way that I used to. I was so worried about clothes and how I looked, that because I was focused on how I looked -I was focused on how others looked.

Now it's a different focus. I like to look nice, but I don't really care or notice the style. Now, I see people  in style and I don't find the need to go out and match the style. I simply think they look nice. I'm sure you girls will understand the difference. I found it's not about being in style, but being your style. There are still thinks that don't look right on different people or excellent on certain people, but I'm finding I'm caring more about the people than the clothes.

2. What my heart looks like with God. I feel like God purposely withdrew Himself from me to see how I would react outside of His presence -How I would react to Him. Honestly, I had a really hard time with obedience and I didn't know how I could trust Him when I didn't like what He was doing.

Generally with God I don't normally understand what He's doing, but it was never something that I would consider mean, or something I really didn't want to do. I generally don't have a problem doing weird, but found I have a hard time doing hard.

I learned I wasn't able to trust God when I didn't like God. And that's a big revelation. I don't have to know what God is doing, or where He is taking me, but I do need to learn to trust Him more.

Love is not a feeling. And likewise, I don't have to feel God to love Him. I don't have to feel like trusting Him to do so. I can't base my actions upon the feelings of the situation, but always have to put God's directions first, no matter how silly, mean, or simple they may appear.

In all this situation really did help to strengthen my relationship with God and my realization that God is above the situation. God does not answer to me, I answer to Him. This is something I thought I had already known. It was head knowledge, but not heart knowledge.

My actions in the situation did not say that God had more control than myself in my own life, and this my friends is what I am working on. -letting God have everything, even when it does not make sense to.

learning and loving,
Kate